@AngelaEhh

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

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@Parkerlawyer

“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.

@djdarrellripley

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

@Kappa_Kappa

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

@JodingersCat

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

@scullymike

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

@AndyRichter

If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?

@onelongbender

Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.

@_alyssa0911

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?