Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
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My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again