Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
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Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Would you wear it?
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Matt Goss
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.