Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
You Might Also Like
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.