Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
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I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
#Caturday
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.