@ronnui_

Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer

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@Jenny4ashley

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

@RdrJay47

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

@jjhartinger

Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.

@JessicaVarsity

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

@ErrenMichaels

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

@Adam_Kingsnorth

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

@hamspamtymaam

Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.

@TeaPartyCat

BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.

@Firawesome

I told you I’m busy! Who are you going to believe, me or the last 20 tweets I posted?