Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
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Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I told you I’m busy! Who are you going to believe, me or the last 20 tweets I posted?