11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
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there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Shakespeare making a mixtape: Tupac or not Tupac
Executioner: any last words?
Me: pineapple belongs on pizza. Hit the switch
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”