@VerifiedJayy: When a guy tries to talk to me while at a urinal I instantly slide over and start pissing in his urinal too. See how friendly he really is

@TheMichaelRock: After shaking someone's hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.

@murrman5: "I know you don't wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you'd try to ruin it" [in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

@pleatedjeans: Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn't want to see 3 lava lamps

@Laser_Cat: In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it's space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?