@peachesanscream

Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

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@steveolivas

11yo son just walked by.

If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.

@TweetPotato314

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

@ericsshadow

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

@KissabiX

Shakespeare making a mixtape: Tupac or not Tupac

@DaddyJew

Executioner: any last words?

Me: pineapple belongs on pizza. Hit the switch

@WilliamAder

Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

@notalogin

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

@FrazzleMyGimp

DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is

@teeaysmith

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

@kristinb5150

being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”