Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
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You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence