@Fred_Delicious: [arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan - "WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE... WE DON'T HAVE LASAGNA"
Me - "um...ok?"
[Satan checks list]
"Is your name Garfield?"
"No"
"Huh. List says Garfield"
@JermHimselfish: The only meal my girlfriend ever makes for me is alphabet soup because even when we aren't fighting she still loves to put words in my mouth
@EndhooS: [1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
@JONOCOYOTE: [crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm...precisely what I thought
"What's that sir"
•closes watch•
It's lunch time
@shadygeekdad: Living well isn't the best revenge. A crowbar to the head is the best revenge.
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