@peachesanscream: Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
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@VerifiedJayy: When a guy tries to talk to me while at a urinal I instantly slide over and start pissing in his urinal too. See how friendly he really is
@TheMichaelRock: After shaking someone's hand, I like to maintain eye contact while applying hand sanitizer.
@murrman5: "I know you don't wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you'd try to ruin it" [in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
@pleatedjeans: Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn't want to see 3 lava lamps