Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
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DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.