*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
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“Hey, let’s get the guys that built the Obamacare website to update our app!”
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
kid: dad I can’t sleep
me: why not?
kid: do you see that monster under my bed?
me: [looks under bed] OMG yes
kid: well I drank the whole can 🙁
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.