Do furries go to doctors or vets?
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Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.