Do furries go to doctors or vets?

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[first date]

*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*

“Would you like a mint?”

*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*





“Hey, let’s get the guys that built the Obamacare website to update our app!”

– Twitter


Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough

Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life

Wife: Yes of course!

Medium: He has something to say to you

Wife: omg go on

Medium: woof


6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.


Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.


Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.


kid: dad I can’t sleep

me: why not?

kid: do you see that monster under my bed?

me: [looks under bed] OMG yes

kid: well I drank the whole can 🙁


Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?


Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.