Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
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COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
i wish i could marry a nap
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.