[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
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One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture