Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?

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addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother


waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu


there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.


if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.


There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.


[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!


Back before the internet we licked 9 volt batteries for shock value.


ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think


Dad: Let’s talk, we never talk.
Me: Okay. I kinda wanna tell you something…
Dad: You can tell me anything.
Me: I’m Batman.
Dad: Get out.