addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?
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waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Back before the internet we licked 9 volt batteries for shock value.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Dad: Let’s talk, we never talk.
Me: Okay. I kinda wanna tell you something…
Dad: You can tell me anything.
Me: I’m Batman.
Dad: Get out.