DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
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“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions