Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
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*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.