[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
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i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out