do horses think humans are hats
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My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no