My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
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Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I have a black belt in leather
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.