Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
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walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
One venti cheeseburger please.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case