Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
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Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
No regrets in 2018
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.