Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
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For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]