@becks_bradley

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

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@Parkerlawyer

I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.

So I get it, squirrels. I get it.

@G00K0

My quarantine routine:

7 AM: (wake me up)

8 AM: wake me up inside

9 AM: (I can’t wake up)

3 PM: wake me up inside

4 PM: (SAAAAVE ME)

5 PM: CALL MY NAME AND SAAAAVE ME FROM THE DARK

6 PM: Pesto pasta, again

@bonehugsnirony

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

@lifeisforkedup

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

@tweetsvisual

What I texted:
No one like you.

What I meant to text:
No one likes you.

@notalogin

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

@ohpeetie

You think you understand people and then you see a car with eyelashes on the headlights.

@Home_Halfway

Where do they bury the bodies of the families that lose at Family Feud

@UncleDuke1969

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

@daemonic3

FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time