I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
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My quarantine routine:
7 AM: (wake me up)
8 AM: wake me up inside
9 AM: (I can’t wake up)
3 PM: wake me up inside
4 PM: (SAAAAVE ME)
5 PM: CALL MY NAME AND SAAAAVE ME FROM THE DARK
6 PM: Pesto pasta, again
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
What I texted:
No one like you.
What I meant to text:
No one likes you.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
“Why do we park in a dri
You think you understand people and then you see a car with eyelashes on the headlights.
Where do they bury the bodies of the families that lose at Family Feud
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“How many likes?”
“You’re a goner.”
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time