Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

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Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.


No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.


It really creeps me out the way my neighbor stares at me when I’m looking through her window.


Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.


*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake


When I see my cat watching out the window, fascinated, I sit beside her and say, ‘Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.’


Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper


Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro


People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year