@becks_bradley

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

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@neerjagurnani

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

@blaha_Who

No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.

@BradBroaddus

It really creeps me out the way my neighbor stares at me when I’m looking through her window.

@sixfootcandy

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

@catstronomical

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

@YasmeenMS

When I see my cat watching out the window, fascinated, I sit beside her and say, ‘Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.’

@robdelaney

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

@blaha_Who

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro

@krishna_van

People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year