Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
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Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.