Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
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Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop