Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
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College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
mentally somewhere in italy
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.