Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
You Might Also Like
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
#Caturday
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day