Do I have friends? Are we allowed to count the enemies of my enemies? Then yes, I have a bunch of friends.

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ME: I love u

GF: omg

ME: and I wanna be with u always

GF: *crying*

ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–



Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.


When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.


[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit


If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.


[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?


We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.


“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?


Just shared w/ my son the amazing story of a boy who wanted to go to his friend’s house & didn’t get to go & yet everybody lived in the end.


We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”