nice challenge
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Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall