@ibid78

Do I have friends? Are we allowed to count the enemies of my enemies? Then yes, I have a bunch of friends.

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@stevevsninjas

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

@KyleSmells

cop: stop you’re breaking the law

me: [floating in mid air] i hate newton’s laws

@SignsofNature

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

@Bratterina

*puts on cloak of invisibility, whooshes past ex, flipping him off

“Jenna, that’s a hoodie, I can see you”

*makes a ghost voice: NoOoOoOo

@HenpeckedHal

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

@AristotlesNZ

Walked right by an ex-girlfriend today. Not on purpose, I just didn’t recognize her with her mouth closed.

@HoldinCoffeeld

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

@d_whitehouse

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

@tillygirl3

All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies

Get their hands stuck