Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
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When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side