Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
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I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Oceanography is all about current events
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
War & Peace
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed