Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

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I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.


Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’


Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.


me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age


If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.


“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me


I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.


“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”


Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.


INVENTOR OF THE CHAIR: You might want to sit down for this.

FRIEND: Wher-Oh my god!