I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
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If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
[someone compliments me]
Brain: act weird around them and ruin everything
Me: please don’t
Brain: lol yes
When I go see my drug dealer, she makes me lay on a couch and talk to her for an hour first.
Somebody wrote “wash me” on my car. I’m so lazy, I just wrote “no” under it.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
[dogs around campfire]
*flashlight on face* and when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time
Me: *holding a frying pan*
Brain: hit someone with it
Brain: DO IT! It’ll go BONG!
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.