Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
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“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time