@NoogsCorner

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”

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@ItsJennaMarbles

Dear girls that go tanning, it’s called ‘sunkissed’, it’s not called ‘dorito raped’.

@ankles_so_weak

Romeo: *is added to DM room*

Juliet: *is taking a room break*

Romeo: *leaves room*

Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*

@ojedge

[packing for holiday]

WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase

ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen

@slackerjorge

Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run

@QwertyJones3

[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”

*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.

@_LUMP

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

@Skoog

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

@Rainbowbunee

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

@Jandalize

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.