Dear girls that go tanning, it’s called ‘sunkissed’, it’s not called ‘dorito raped’.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
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Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”
*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
super romantic virus
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.