Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
You Might Also Like
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.