@bartandsoul

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

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@Parker_Simpson

It concerns me when someone comes out of the bathroom stall and has to wash their hands all the way up to their elbows

@ThugRaccoons

Son: Thanks for the dating advice

Her: HE gave you dating advice?

Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women

Her: Name one

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: Well?

Me: Give me a minute

@0hJuliette

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

@DirtMcTurd

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

@SondraDeeMe

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

@JohnsonDiaz21

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

@DurtMcHurtt

I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE

@asimplesean

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter