If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
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It concerns me when someone comes out of the bathroom stall and has to wash their hands all the way up to their elbows
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me: Give me a minute
[dies, meets god]
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter