do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
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But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
so weird how every mom was born today
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Can Happiness buy money?
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”