@Shade510

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.

- @Shade510

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@thatUPSdude

So what’s your secret?

~People that don’t understand how secrets work.

@clichedout

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

@djdarrellripley

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…

@envydatropic

*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world

@SeanINCypress

Movies taught me that if your kid is talking to ghosts, alone in their room, leave that brat in there, and run while you’re still alive.

@Hobo_Splendido

I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.

@ArfMeasures

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

@sixfootcandy

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

@SlappNuttz

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

@mydmac

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.