Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
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It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Education is vital
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
My patience has stretch marks.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
I am, perchance
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.