Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
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*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Follow me for more recipes
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.