@BoweKnows

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

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@liv_thatsme

Overheard:

“Why is that woman listening to our conversation?”

@BonaFideIntent

Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk. Unless you’re crossing a border. Then don’t do that.

@blade_funner

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

@iMikosnyc

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.

@weinerdog4life

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

@Darlainky

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

@matt___nelson

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

@momjeansplease

Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?

Me:

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter:

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!