“Why is that woman listening to our conversation?”
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
You Might Also Like
Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk. Unless you’re crossing a border. Then don’t do that.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!