Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
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Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted