@rickygervais

Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂

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@goldengateblond

Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.

@dumbbeezie

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.

@daliamalek

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

@LooseTalks_Girl

When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. That says everything about marriage.

@david8hughes

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]

@MavenofHonor

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

@TheCatWhisprer

[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa

@haveigotnews

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

@kibblesmith

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.