Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 馃檪
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I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
the joker: lol i鈥檓 going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Overheard my daughter鈥檚 friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he鈥檚 embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
hot air balloon pilot: we鈥檙e gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.