I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
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Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what