“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

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my GOTH DAD license plate is not a vanity plate it is a coincidence. random string of letters. could ve happened to a dad without eyeliner


My 1-year-old stabbed a stuffed animal with a broken plastic spoon.

She learned to fight in prison.


my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool


She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.


Happy imagery of the day: A mouse dressed as a pirate sits on your shoulder while you work and pretends to steer you holding a potato-chip.


I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.


Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship