“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
You Might Also Like
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.