@naazihah

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

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@HomeWithPeanut

4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”

Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

@Piecezilla

A tree silently weeping as firemen steal its cat. Again!

@That_Damn_Duck

I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

@NewDadNotes

DHS: Do you known Anakin Skywalker?

Darth Vader: Im An…

DHS: he owes 22 years back child support for twins

Darth Vader: I think he died

@stephanieboland

On the sofa and hear boyfriend start laughing to himself in the kitchen.

Turns out he’d just learned that 88 couples have come out of quarantine in China and immediately filed for divorce

@GorillaNipples1

{on a hike}

8yo:What kind of flower is that?

Me:Its a wildflower.

8yo: what makes it a wildflower?

Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.

@NrouteHQ

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

@KimmyMonte

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

@AmishPornStar1

“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”

-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving