@naazihah

“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

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@GayDeceiver

Morning meeting about improving communication cancelled because not everyone knew about it.

I wish I could make this up.

@_Kim_Jongun

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

@coolauntV

[dark movie theater]

me: *opens soda can*

them:

me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*

them: Shhhh

me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*

@LMHPhotog

Duckling means “little duck”.

As a result, I no longer eat dumplings.

@Hammyinmiami

My husband is so not into sex, he thinks foreplay is a golf term.

@jwoodham

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.