“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.

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Morning meeting about improving communication cancelled because not everyone knew about it.

I wish I could make this up.


My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.



[dark movie theater]

me: *opens soda can*


me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*

them: Shhhh

me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*


Duckling means “little duck”.

As a result, I no longer eat dumplings.


My husband is so not into sex, he thinks foreplay is a golf term.


Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.