What I say: “Does anyone need anything from the store?” What I mean: “I’m off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you.”
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
You Might Also Like
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
if i were a white vegan satanist i would constantly say stuff like “kale satan” and “i love the dark gourd” and nobody would stop me
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Sunday and Monday would be great names for twins if one was kind of normal and quiet and the other one was pure evil.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf