@brianbowman73

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

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@ArfMeasures

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

@SortaBad

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

@ConanOBrien

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

@Lisabug74

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

@TheCiscoKidder

I caught my son wiping his boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

@TheToddWilliams

[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*

@Reverend_Scott

[job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER

@murrman5

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

@CAshmanActor

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle