do mermaids get waxed or descaled
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After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Finally
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I’ve been drinking.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.