@thicclavabae

‘Do muslims have sex?’ no Susan I was delivered into this world by amazon prime.

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@TheAlexNevil

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

@PleaseBeGneiss

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

@Becky_DDB

Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.

@Cheeseboy22

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

@chuuew

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

@dorkwing_duck

[PRESS CONFERENCE]

Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever

@R_A_Dadass

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

@captainkalvis

dexters lab creator: ok so he’s a boy genius

executive: ok

creator: who hates his sister

executive: is that it?

creator: [sweating] and uh… has a made up accent for no reason that no one else in his family has

executive: SOLD