(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
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BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.