me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
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leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
This took me a second..
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando