Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
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My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.