Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
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HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Google reviews are always so mixed..
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.