DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
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Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.