@ericsshadow

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

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@squirrel74wkgn

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

@D0GGEAUX

horse: [falls in water] haha whoops
seahorse: You are outside of your domain.
horse: no see haha it was an accident, i fell-
seahorse: The ancient pact has been violated. The invasion begins.
horse: wait wha-
seahorses [swarming]: THE PACT HAS BEEN VIOLATED THE PACT HAS BEEN VIOL

@KateWhineHall

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

@joekjoek

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

@badteacher4u

I tried playing hide-n-seek with my friends newborn and now I’m not allowed back inside that hospital 🙁

@kwirkyKerri

“I really regret not taking up bow hunting” I think as my neighbor fires up his chainsaw at first light.

@TheAndrewNadeau

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

@HallpassCanada

Adults with big round heads have kids with big round heads so for god sakes please try to date outside your head shape.

@Meldiesattheend

If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.

@TEXASVETERAN

I sing like Sinatra and have the brain of Einstein. I think that’s why girls call me Frankenstein.