Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

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When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..


My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.


My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich


Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.


Saw a squirrel get hit by a car earlier.Felt kinda bad,but I don’t think the squirrel gave a shit that the Smart Car was totaled.


Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones


16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.


CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear


[first day as a cop]

me: suspect is running nude through downtown

dispatch: copy that

me: *starts undressing*