When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
You Might Also Like
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Saw a squirrel get hit by a car earlier.Felt kinda bad,but I don’t think the squirrel gave a shit that the Smart Car was totaled.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
“Donatello” ~ Italian man telling me to keep a secret
[first day as a cop]
me: suspect is running nude through downtown
dispatch: copy that
me: *starts undressing*