@weinerdog4life

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

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@PhilJamesson

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

@mommywhitfield

“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.

@GrandadJFreeman

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

@Sorrowscopes

Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

@VeryLonelyLuke

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

@brendohare

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

@GraceSpelman

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: Carol’s hubby gives her flowers EVERY day. I’d LOVE u to do that
ME: Ok

[next day]
ME [giving Carol flowers] No I don’t get it either

@ronnypascale

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”