Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
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Told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on too high
she looked surprised.
Girlfriend catches boyfriend cheating
Boyfriend: WOOOW!!! So you gon believe your eyes over me?
DATE: Say hi to my family. This is my mom
ME: This is your mom? She looks like she’d be your sister!
DATE’S MOM: Aww stop it
DATE: This is my grandma
ME: This is your grandma? She looks like she’s 5
DATE’S GRANDMA: What
DATE: This is my great grandma
ME: She doesn’t look born yet
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Movies taught me that if your kid is talking to ghosts, alone in their room, leave that brat in there, and run while you’re still alive.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed