Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
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Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING