Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
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After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
The three genders.
🐟✨ #re4
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
This is sending me to another galaxy
