Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
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boat question
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
my dad has had enough
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
A choir of Spring onions
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.