“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
“Do not iron”
Like that was ever going to happen…
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Sometimes you meet someone and know instantly how much you regret leaving your home.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Down a flight of stairs.
That’s how I roll. 🙁
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.