“Do not iron”

Like that was ever going to happen…

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“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”

– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious


Sometimes you meet someone and know instantly how much you regret leaving your home.


[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”


I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.


me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve


The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.