Stop it! 😂
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The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
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Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.