Do not levitate over flowers
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Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Do not levitate over flowers
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.