@batkaren

Do not levitate over flowers

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@murrman5

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

@ShaneKnowsStuff

Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don’t know what I’m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It’s a mystery

@kelkulus

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

@jimmytorosian

*Rubs lamp*

*Nothing happens*

Where’s the genie?

*Takes off lampshade*

What’s wrong with this thing?

@Cheeseboy22

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

@ClichedOut

me: make me the coolest guy

genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u

me: son of a

@Donnie_Fairburn

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

@JohnLyonTweets

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

@SteveKoehler22

Why do countries “cut ties”
when things get tense ?

So weird having men walk around
in suits and half ties.

@Playing_Dad

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?